Unknowingly influenced by the tradition of court and school debate- -We usually have this kind of misconception when we are in love -The party who is’correct’ or possesses sufficient evidence reasonably’wins’ the argument. But this fundamentally misunderstood the meaning of being together. Being together is not to defeat the other half (the winner has no reward, except for the loneliness of self-satisfaction), It is to let both sides progress to become the best self. When one of them has a lot of correct insights about their other half, some kind of dispute arises. They may assert in a stern, skilled and almost happy tone: ‘You drink too much’;’You talk endlessly at parties’;’You always exaggerate’;’You are not responsible enough’;’You spend too much time Go online’;’You don’t exercise enough’.
The insight is not wrong, but it is so tricky. The criticizing party is correct but cannot win, Because in love, correctly seeing the faults of the other person will not win rewards. Attacking the opponent with indifferent energy is actually specious, We reduce our chances to achieve our true goal: the growth of people who must live with us. When we bear the difficulty of observing the mistakes we make, It’s not the blame itself that makes us angry and avoids everything. (We are very aware of errors) but the surrounding atmosphere. We understand that the other half is right, Understand how serious the criticism is, we just cannot accept it So we started to escape everything, Not because the accusation is wrong, But we are frightened: the lamp of truth flashes too bright. What we fear is admitting our mistakes, We will be crushed and appear worthless, Being asked to try hard without the need for sympathy, -And-unless we change ourselves, We will not ask for emotional support or forgiveness from each other.
This is why we insist that we do enough exercise, We are already working very hard, And we never waste any time on unspeakable web pages. When we are already burdened with shame and guilt, It is impossible to listen to the further reprimand of the lover. We have become too fragile in our hearts, It is impossible to admit another difficult insight about pointing out what we did wrong.
The irony of defensive arguments is that Excessive confrontation of error and pursuit of truth on the contrary makes the truth out of reach. There is a historical core example in the philosophy of lying, Plato called it a lie of justice. If a madman came and asked: Where is the axe? We are qualified to say that we don’t know- Because we understand that if we tell him the truth, They may use tools to do terrible things to us. In other words, we can legitimately lie when our lives are in danger. Sometimes when a partner asks an inquiring question, they may not really be looking for an axe. But psychologically, This is exactly how the other person makes us feel – This makes it somewhat reasonable to claim that we don’t understand what they are saying. For the accusing party, it may not be fair to bear the glass heart of the other party.
But if they want to help the relationship, It must be stated very clearly that they will not use truth (if it is knowledge) as a weapon. The sad thing is that we can easily admit everything only when the situation is more sympathetic. I am willing to confide my heartbreak and hurt. The answer is to create a situation where both parties accept that they are not perfect, Based on this, We all need situations of love and kindness, To accept that in order to evolve, both parties do have needs- And every thoughtful criticism is handled properly, Criticism must also be wrapped in a layer of words that can reassure the other party.
When people are told what they did wrong, they must accept when they don’t want to change; They will change when they feel fully supported to withstand the changes (always) they have known to make. Sometimes it’s not enough to be right in a relationship, You must be tolerant enough in love to let the lover admit his mistakes. Love is a skill we can learn. Through key gender issues, our love book guides us calmly and steadily.
To ensure success in love, you do not need to rely on luck.